Self Love and Bigger Jeans

So I guess I did the whole Elizabeth Gilbert thing in Eat, Pray, Love.
Except I sped it up and had to buy myself a new pair of jeans before I even got to Italy.

Self-love.

The loaded word I’m kind of sick of hearing because as important as it is it’s been made small by every marketing company and every Instagram blogger and every flower filled bathtub in the middle of Bali at a resort most of us can’t afford.

Pretty.

Every bit of you is pretty!
Every bit of you is beautiful!
Every bit! I promise!
Just tell yourself that when you look in the mirror!
And buy this guide!
These yoga pants!
This unwind bath kit!

Capable.

I’ve come to the conclusion that some things just are and they don’t have to be deemed as beautiful in order for them to be.

I don’t think my thighs rubbing against each other is something stunning, it is just something that happens and it’s ok to no be head over heels in love with my thighs rubbing or the hyper-pigmentation on my chin or the weird bumps I’ve been getting on my forehead.

It’s no one or the other.

It’s not ugly if it’s not lathered in love.

A finger is a finger is a finger.
A pimple is a pimple is a pimple.
A belly is a belly is a belly.
An ass is an ass is an ass.
And mine is flat and that’s that.

I think if we can be more comfortable with the normalcy of our bodies and less obsessed with trying to paint everything as beautiful we can reach a more genuine kind of love for ourselves focused on what you are capable of doing with your functioning body, rather than, what you’re capable of thinking and feeling about your capable body.

Getting out of your head and learning to describe your love for yourself with action, movement and decision making rather than thoughts and adjectives is an easier transition in my opinion.

I’ve had to buy myself bigger jeans.
I’ve had to unbutton my shorts when I sit down.

And of course, less pretty thoughts started pinching at me as I could simply feel more of me. More of me rubbing against more of me, and soft skin pouring out of bra straps and buttons and  

It’s ok.

What keeps me from spiraling is knowing that I am eternally in flux.
What stops me from fixating on the measurements of the extra space I’m taking up is doing more of what brings me joy.

There is not a single thing yet that I have had to take off of my list because of my weight gain. Not one.

I’m still moving.
I’m still laughing.
I’m still eating good, good food.
I’m still seeing.
I’m still being appreciated by those around me.
I’m still appreciating those around me.

 I’ve gone a size up in jeans and I’ve also gone a size up in everything else. One doesn’t equate the other but I’m so fortunate to say that I’m not living less because I’m weighing more.

Other things that have made me feel really good recently:

Letting my hair air dry
Having very few outfits to choose from
Dancing first thing in the morning
Going make up free most days
Rarely looking at myself in the mirror
Slowly ridding myself from guilt every time I eat a croissant or a pizza or some good vegan ice cream
Running to get to know a city
Moving because there are places I want to go and not because there are calories I need to burn

And like Liz Gilbert said,

‘I have no interest in being obese, but I’m done with the guilt’.

Yes, yes, yes.

This is just a moment in my life, a moment where I’m choosing different things for myself because it is what makes me feel good right now.
I’m very sure that in a different moment I will choose differently and what a privilege that is.

To be eternally in flux.

What a luxury.
To have legs that move, to have arms that hold, to have!
We get to have!

Whether you love your nose or not, whether you feel your belly every time you do a forward fold in yoga, whether your jeans feel tighter than usual,

You get to have it. Use it.